PART 1
The statistics on men’s mental health are alarming. These references are from 2020 and 2021:
Men (79% of 38,364) die by suicide at a rate four times higher than women (Mental Health America [MHA], 2020). They also die due to alcohol-related causes at 62,000 in comparison to women at 26,000. Men are also two to three times more likely to misuse drugs than women (Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, 2017). These statistics are troubling because they reinforce the notion that males are less likely to seek help and more likely than women to turn to dangerous, unhealthy behaviors.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7444121/#bibr6-1557988320949322Thirty years ago, a majority of men (55 percent) reported having at least six close friends. Today, that number has been cut in half. Slightly more than one in four (27 percent) men have six or more close friends today. Fifteen percent of men have no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990.
https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/
John Price and I have co-facilitated men’s groups at The Center for Healing Arts and Sciences since 2020. The more we do this work, the more we are convinced of the necessity for men to submit themselves to the loving accountability and connection that a group provides. Ideally, there would be no need for therapeutic men’s process groups because families, friends and culture would provide the fertile soil for men to develop in healthy, loving and compassionate ways. While this is the experience of some men, most often that is not the case. The shame and depression inherently embedded in the statistics listed above fester and toxify in isolation, poisoning mind, body and soul. It is my experience, and I think most men would agree, that inner/outer judgement and pressure to perform in some way or another saturate our thought patterns, relationships and professional endeavors. Work harder and/or numb out seem to be the only escape routes from this relentless pressure.
Given my musical background, I like to think of individual therapy as a kind of private lesson and group as a rehearsal. In the framework of a group “rehearsal,” men have a chance to risk and to experiment by expressing parts of themselves that rarely see the light of day in the presence of other men, even their closest friends. If you prefer a sports metaphor, it’s like a scrimmage, in which men challenge and encourage and bump up against each other with the best of intentions because they’re on the same team.
Being vulnerable with a therapist is difficult, but being vulnerable in a group of other men raises the stakes tremendously, creating situations more akin to “real” life than the closed, sacred container with a therapist or analyst. One of the intrinsic challenges of life is the seemingly paradoxical yin/yang nature of being both individual and collective. All of us must acknowledge the needs of separateness and connection, authenticity and attachment. Therapy provides a private space to pause and reflect on our own individual patterns and blind spots with curiosity and compassion. Group provides a space to be loved, validated, encouraged and challenged by others. As Jungian analyst James Hollis writes in Under Saturn’s Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men:
Men today cannot claim their identity via culture because they are obliged to find other uninitiated males as their models or succumb to the empty values of a materialistic society. Again, before healing may begin, men must acknowledge the reality of what lies within. Among those confusing emotions is a deep grief for the loss of the personal father as companion, model and support, and a deep hunger for the fathers as a source of wisdom, solace and inspiration.
Part 2 of this blog will discuss the factors that make a group safe enough for men to risk vulnerability as well as the benefits of group work as distinct from and complimentary to individual therapy.